Vegan Victuals: The Blog |

Dear World,

Dear Birds, I know it’s been awhile since you’ve all seen each other and all but can you please use your inside chirps in the morning. You’d think my apartment building was constructed in those seeds they make bells out of the way you guys flock to my window.

Dear Columbia University academic regalia, The quality of your fabric is similar to a bagged Halloween costume. Perhaps with a hem and cinch I could resell the graduation gown, entitling it Sexy Ivy League Graduate, to offset my student loans.

Dear New York Times, You annoy me a lot. You’ve publish outlandish op-ed pieces (see rant here), throw around ridiculous terminology, like “hegan” when referring to male vegans… and now you question whether oysters should count as animals. How about a lesson in Scientific Classification? Two words: Kingdom. Animalia.

Dear people interested in the extramarital affairs of celebrities and sports superstars, So there are these people who are young, extremely wealthy and often attractive. They are known world-wide in a global culture that values these attributes greatly, however depthless. This increases the quantity of people who would desire to have sex with them immeasurably. So, when they have affairs, it is not interesting at all.Love, Karen